if I: door fixtures

So I’m a bit bitter toward packaging and inventors today. these products/projects are mutually appreciated when properly utilized. however, they are also a nuisance when taken out of context and or common sense. though most listings do not immediately correlate to said annoyances, I figured you could use the explanation.

That said, I give you: If I Were A Door Knob.

If I were a door knob, I would:

1. be smarter than some packaging for a pair of scissors and or the person who decided to put them in the impenetrable plastic which needs scissors or a laser gun to open.

2. pat the man on the back who designed in-door plumbing then smack and turn my nose up at the guy who invented TWO SEPARATE faucets in the same sink for “hot” and “cold”. was he not aware of the ramifications. did he never test this? like the temperature of the water. . .like ever?!

3. not be nearly as cool as the the chain and hook in the back/top of the toilet. theat inventor knew his stuff. If you’ve ever had a problem with the flushing handle you feel me, others, you too shall feel it’s wrath .

4. be nearly as filthy as most computer keyboards. but not for long (see no.5)

5. be a renewable source of anti-bacterial liquid or serious germ killing mist that will still enable you to build up anti bodies to fight off H1N1. or however that works.

6. move close to and turn in toward the door jam to make snide and apathetic people remember they too can feel.

7. back away when i see peoples fingers linger between the jam and the door. or lick them so they retreat them in disgust. it think it’d but much more acceptable than the hail storm of pain the door’s got waiting for them. even as a door knob i’d be gangsta!

8. a round sensible one that’s hard to open/close when you’re holding too much stuff. and say stuff like “stop being lazy and save your back”. yes, i’d be an unlicensed therapist too. call me Dr. Phil.

9. still be jamaican with all these jobs/abilities.

10. still be a sexy beast!

and it seems that ten is the magic number cuz who can beat that!

-hydrating the corneas


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